The Things I Do Not Know - Part 1

# Hours Awake - 3
# Cups of Coffee - 1
# Grey Hairs - 17

The things I don't know would fill a bucket the size (charitably) of the Vredefort Dome. It's a lot, I know, so I don't expect to fill it all into a single post...you'll notice the "Part 1" up there.
There are things that I don't know and things that I imagine all "men" don't know and for now, we'll stick to the latter. At the top of the list I would put women or more specifically women’s clothing...this I think is why men don't (and shouldn't) shop with their wives/girlfriends/mistress'/concubines or other. The fact is, outside of nothing and a skimpy teddy, I don't know what looks good on you. I mean, I get the far ends of the spectrum, like Vera Wang evening gown - Good, and Hefty Cinch Sac - Bad, but it's everything in the middle that I'm a little muddled on. This wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing but it becomes one when you (women) ask my opinion. I know this...there is no good answer...only one that saves me from being kicked in the balls. Frankly, I don't like my odds or the possible outcome.
Let me give you an example...many years ago, I was dating a girl who liked to shop at vintage clothing stores. I was there because we "stopped on the way to lunch" which I soon realized actually meant, we'll get some food after a serious day of shopping so suck it up bitch – actually I added the “bitch” part.
Now in my defense, I tried to get out of every question with a "yeah" or "that's nice" but after the second hour my hunger level went up and my ability to bullshit went completely out the window. When asked what I thought about some sort of fringy, off-white, asymmetrical I simply said, "I don't like it." I'm pretty sure the music stopped right then and I would have noticed had I not been so concerned with the look in her eyes...it said rather simply "I'm going to kick you in the balls...not now, but when you least expect it." She was pissed, and I mean really. Shopping was over. And she kept saying, "You just don't know, I can't believe I asked you." I just sat there saying, "Uh, I know, I don't know. That's why I wore that stupid don't ask me expression all afternoon."
It certainly was a way (not one I recommend) to end the day of shopping.
But it still doesn't answer the question of why women ask us these things. You have to know we don't know and if we do that just means we're gay and that's arguably worse. Right?
Let me say that the reason we don't want to go shopping is not that we don't want to be with you. It's not that we don't support your incessant need to shop or think we'd have a more fulfilling experience with out hand down our pants and some game (or really anything) on the tube. It's just that we don't want to get kicked in the balls.
Is that so much to ask?

-Shaques