Chili Conundrum

# Hours Awake - 2 (Actually woke at 4:20 on dot - no kidding)
# Cups of Coffee - 7/8, wait...o.k. now 1
# Days towards 100 years of solitude - 2

So I've been having an issue with Chili for a couple of years. Not so much with the level of alarm or whether to add crackers or not to add crackers. No, I have a problem with the word chili itself. While scholars have been probing the great questions of the universe, I feel as though this one has been overlooked. What the hell is Chili?

Before all the smart asses chime in, think about this. Go to the store and buy straight up chili. Look at the can. Now look at a can of Chili con carne (with meat). Now look at chili without beans. What the hell would I be looking at if I got Chili, no beef, no beans? A can of brown sludge which bears a resemblance either to the strongest coffee you've ever seen or...well, the effect that same cup of coffee might have on your bowels after a long night of Indian and Pacifico Claro. I know the chili is a spice, a dried ground vegetable but no one has ever tried to pass that off as legit chili.

In an effort to search out this great conundrum, I enlisted the help of Maggie Lashbrook of Ontario Mills, CA, spokeswoman or at least the person who answered the phone at the American Chili Lovers Association (and people think I have too much time on my hands).

...ring, ring...

Maggie: ACLA, this is Maggie can I help you?

Me: (snicker), um, I'm sorry yes, my name is Ted Underhill and I have a question about chili.

Maggie: Well, I'm sure I can help you. Are you looking for a cookoff?

Me: Well, no, I mean sure, but I was just wondering what chili is.

(pause)

Maggie: You mean you've never had chili?
(seriously, I think this is as close as Maggie's ever come to a stroke...I decided to tread lightly)

Me: Oh, no, no no. I've had it and love it. (bonus points) I was just wondering if you had a strict definition for what it is.

Maggie: Oh, well, each chef has their own specific recipes which I'm not privy to but I could tell you what I put in mine.

Me: Well, that would be wonderful but i'm actually just trying to figure out some discrepancies on the cans I get at the store.

Maggie: (obviously disappointed) Oh, o.k.

Me: So, let's say that I went out and got my standard chili.

Maggie: Well, I don't think there's such a thing but o.k.

Me: Well, for arguments sake, can we say there is?

Maggie: Fine.

Me: Ok, so let's say I looked next to it and saw chili without beans.

Maggie: Well, I don't eat chili without beans.

Me: Right, well, o.k. but it exists, does it not?

Maggie: (huffily) Well, I suppose.

Me: O.k. then, and next to that is chili con carne...with meat.

Maggie: Uh, huh.

Me: So Maggie, I guess what my question is, is what is chili without meat and without beans?

Maggie: Well, it's not, not without both.

Me: Well, then doesn't chili con carne seem kind of redundant?

Maggie: No, because it can just have beans.

Me: Well, I still don't understand what that one intrinsic ingredient is that makes chili is...(starting to rant) that thing that without which, chili would cease to be chili and would in fact just be gook.

(pause)

Maggie: Listen, I'm sorry but I don't think I know how to answer your question, if you like I can have my supervisor call you back when he gets in.

Me: Wait, you have a supervisor?

Maggie: (of course) Yes.

Me: At the American Chili Lovers Association?

Maggie: What was your name again.

-click-

Fearing a "chili lobby" funded hit squad I figured now was a good a time as any to end the phone call. I feel quite unsatisfied as I am no closer to an answer than I was at the beginning of my quest. Now I know how string-theorists feel. If anyone can answer this in seventeen word or less, please comment below. Your thoughts will be shared by the chili community and then...THE WORLD!!!

Guest Movie Review - Gigli

This is really funny and I wanted to share.

OddTodd's review:
Here!

Lord, I was born a travelin' man...

# Hours awake - 2 (technically, didn't sleep well)
# Cups of coffee - 2 (Kona, mmmmmm)
# Miles traveled - 437 (699.2 Kilometers)

So, I'm in the back of a Jag in Santa Barbara...well, not really...not anymore. I was in the back of a Jag when I started writing this and it occurred to me that the odds were pretty good that I would never be able to make that statement ever again. In fact, I'm not even in Santa Barbara anymore which is kind of a bummer 'cause I had hoped to write something from there. I should be home now but I'm not. Instead of heading back south to La La Land I went north and just five short hours later I was in San Francisco; home of trolly cars and rice-a-roni. Just on a side note, I'm laying 1000 to 1 odds that I neither see nor hear anything even remotely connected to rice-a-roni during my stay here. 10 to 1 on the trolleys.

So why am I here? Good question. One that will no doubt be troubling scholars for years to come. I guess that you get moments in your life when you're given a choice of taking a right or a left and every once in a while you should switch it up. So I figured I'd keep a travelin' diary to keep you all posted as to my whereabouts.

SANTA BARBARA: Met up with an old friend whose significant other went to culinary school in town. Naturally, all of his friends are head chefs at the restaurants there so can you say 1000 dollar meal for 200? Can you say 200 dollar bottles of wine to accompany the greatest filet and fois gras I've ever even dreamt about? I knew that you could. I seriously considered never eating again as I had tasted the best the world could offer...then I realized that was stupid and I had an In and Out burger... it was good.

SAN FRANCISCO: Jury still out. I have a whole day planned which I'm not taking advantage of because I'm telling you people about my weekend. God you're all so collectively needy! So I should run cause I need to shave but I'll be back not only to talk about San Fran but I also have a rant about Chili...trust me, you don't want to miss it.

Guest Blogger

From time to time we will have a guest blogger filling in when the time commitment becomes simply too much to handle. Today's guest blogger is Max Ehrman.

Max: Hey all, here's a little somthing I cooked up on the subway this morning.

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

Max: Thanks for listening you guys and remember, I'll be at the Comedy Store August 2nd through the 18th. Be sure to tip your waitress.

Movie Review - The Butterfly Effect

Until I can figure out how to make a separate link to movie reviews, they will be listed along with the regular posts. The films being reviewed will most probably not currently be in theaters but rather will hold an important part in movie history. So here goes...

# Hours awake - 1 1/2
# Cups coffee - 1/2
# Level of atmospheric pressure (imagined) - 1.4

The Butterfly Effect: Going into this film with the lowest possible expectations reminded me of the time I saw Waterworld (in theaters). The key to making a successful film is too keep everyone's expectations so low that the film couldn't possibly be seen as anything but a success. The only difficulty is getting people to go see a film that they think will suck. I'm still working on that one.

No explanation of the plot is necessary as I'm not sure there really is one...there may well be, I just don't think I could explain it within the allotted time and without the help of a longshoreman and an abacus. It follows Asston Kuuutcher and Amy Smart as they grow up and for some reason, Asston is able to return to moments in his past and fix problems with it. Unfortunately, like sleeping with Rose McGowan, he opens up a Pandora's box where each world is better and worse than the previous one. The film deals with interesting issues of which none are actually, you know, figured out. It feels like the filmmakers are holding up a shiny object to keep the audiences attention which works until we get blind-sided by a two-by-four every time Asston comes back onto the screen.

In the end, the film redeems itself by creating a world where (SPOLIER!!) Asston Kuuutcher does not exist.

For the above stated reason, the film ranks an F2*.


*Here to fore, movies will be ranked on the Fujitsu scale, the same used to rank tornados on the level of destruction they create.

Wedding Thrashers!

# Hours Awake - 'bout 5
# Cups of Coffee - 1 (yawn)
# Visible bruises - 5.5

So the wedding was this weekend and I have survived (on many levels). But first, an update on the first parts of the trip.

BOSTON:
1. Survived traveling to Glousta for "Chowda."
-The one hitch came from an unfortunate decision to return to Boston at 3:00 in the morning from a house party where we not only knew no one, but also knew not where we were (a fact we realized after leaving the compound). One thing you should know about Glousta is that they don't believe in streetlights but rather in their ability to navigate their Ford F-150's by the stars. It's a fishing town so I guess it makes sense. Nowhere is this more apparent that in the backwoods of Glousta where they have no streetlights, no houses and (as we were to find out) no roads...we quickly backed up, having mistaken a fallen spruce for the center lane...what? It was dark. So, moral of the story, if you're gonna go for some bad ass "chowda," take a map or don't try to leave at 3:00 in the morning, this is where Jason and Freddy summer.

2. Survived traveling to Peabody (pronounced P-B-D...seriously)
Buoyed by our success of the previous evening, we decided that real men neeed neither maps to find cities nor the directions they were given and promptly left at home. I have come to this conclusion, Men are stupid. Not all the time but,...all right fine. Anyway, it seemed relatively simple. PBD is north, so we go north...and north we went. In all of what should have been a 20 minute journey, my favorite part was when we hit a rotary which told us to head up a street where we hit another rotary which said to turn all the way back around and down the same street we had just come from. We did that about three times convinced that the sign would change at some point...it didn't. As a last resort, we stopped at a gas station (yes, I said last resort) where we managed to find the only non-English speaking person in the entire state. His nametag said Jaru and he was most probably Indian (dots, not feathers). When I asked for directions, he nodded yes and beckoned me inside where he was convinced that the one thing that would help me on my journey was a map...of Texas. He proudly held it out to me as I spent the first five minutes wondering why the hell we were out-sourcing all of our jobs to India and the following ten looking for evidence of a camera crew (there was a brief 30 seconds where I started to question why he had a map of Texas but frankly, the issue wasn't that pressing). In my search, I was able to locate a map of the town of PBD which had been behind his head the whole time. After 2 1/2 hours we finally made it to the party. Oh yeah, it was wicked awesome.

NEW YORK:
-New York was very fun and I know this because I remember almost nothing. I do remember that one evening, during a late night food binge, I made the (drunken) mistake of saying "I'll have what he's having" while on a phone conversation and ended up with a chicken cutlet sandwich with lettuce, tomato, jalapeño’s and EXTRA mayo. I hate mayo. Apparently, I ate the sandwich while continuously complaining (much to the chagrin of the cabbie) how terrible it was. Oh, I was also foiled once again in my ability to see an exhibit at a museum which I’ve been trying to do for over a year now. The museum is closed on Monday's AND Tuesday's. Fucking Tuesday's, come on!

For time constraints, I will move on. More on this part of the trip later...when I remember it. :)

THE "FULL CONTACT" WEDDING:
My dad is cool. Not in that uber-cool way reserved for the likes of James Bond but in that Geekey kind of cool. It's easier if I explain. I'll do so in terms of a conventional wedding.

Friday Night: Rehearsal dinner. 30-40 Guests head over to his neighbors house to have lobster, Burgers and Dogs. It is during this time that you begin to notice the 2 multi-colored monstrosities that adorn his neighbor’s lawn. Much too large for lawn ornaments and most probably not the home of wayward gypsies, you realize that you're looking at an adult sized bouncy toy things like the Moonwalk you used to jump on when you were kids. Couple of glasses of wine later, and you're diving head first into the beginning of the gauntlet, serpentining a couple of large obstacles and then climbing up and over the last wall, throwing yourself down the chute to victory. That was the good part; the bad part is when you realize the hard way that alcohol and adult sized bouncy things don't mix for a good reason. It's not the first time that you try to barrel roll down the chute and nail your knee on the plastic which at the speed, combined with my weight was like hitting concrete, no, it was probably when I ran right back and did it again, hitting the same spot and finally realizing that that pain combined with that BAC, usually means trouble. Long story short, I stopped limping late yesterday. Anyway, back to the fun.

Saturday: Wedding prep. Starts with and early boating trip around the harbor. Now if I haven't mentioned it before, half of the people at all of these events are Dutch. Now from what I can gather, the Netherlands is not like Japan where everyone speaks English as a second language. In fact, almost no one spoke more than two or three words of English and there is only so many conversations you can have with someone where an acceptable response is "Hello." That amount can double if you consider "Hi" as a slightly different answer. So we have essentially a large group of people split into two by a massive conversational barrier. The bonus of this situation is that we could discuss the seventeen-year-old niece of the bride...and her 19-month-old daughter with impunity. While we quickly arrived at the age of conception (14 years 8 Mos.) which was then verified by long division by my friend JXXX. Yeah...not really sure why. We all decided that night that our favorite Dutch person was Nino, the 19 month old. Multiple types of cuisine later we had our wedding...Dad was sporting the single most pimping white linen zoot-suit.

gotta go, more later

Note: I have realized upon retrospection that I did not bring the funny in this post; at least not in the Wedding portion. I knew this upon original posting and tried to go back and re-do it but I realized that I quite surprisingly had a really good time this weekend and in my "goings-back," I found my regular sense of humor far too harsh for what was surprisingly a very enjoyable affair.

Have no fear, I will be back on my A-game soon but to the happy couple, congratulations! And to the 17-year-old, here's my number (310) 555-4379.